Unobfuscated Perl (#1)

A rogue group of Perl hackers has presented a plan to add a "use
really_goddamn_strict" pragma that would enforce readability and
UNobfuscation. With this pragma in force, the Perl compiler might say: 

* Warning: Program contains zero comments. You've probably never seen or
  used one before; they begin with a # symbol. Please start using them or
  else a representative from the nearest Perl Mongers group will come to
  your house and beat you over the head with a cluestick. 

* Warning: Program uses a cute trick at line 125 that might make sense in
  C. But this isn't C! 

* Warning: Code at line 412 indicates that programmer is an idiot. Please
  correct error between chair and monitor. 

* Warning: While There's More Than One Way To Do It, your method at line
  523 is particularly stupid. Please try again.